To get to that long term goal....

I am great at having dreams and plans and wishes. But my skill to get to those things, well, it is lacking. I believe that my life situation may need to change in the relatively near future. I am laying plans to be able to do whatever I need to do. I can see the possibility of how this path is leading. I do not really want to admit it, but I don't think there is much of an option anymore.

Sometimes we believe that our lives are going to follow a path, until there begins to be an tickle of something not going the way we thought. That is where I am. Some pieces of my life I have thought would follow a certain path. At this point, I think I was wrong in all of them, each aspect of my life. There is a part of me that can only hang on and ride it out. There is another part of me that wants to run away in a sense and ignore the divergence in the path I have been moving down.

Then there is the logical part of me that sees the divergence and is trying to look ahead down the new path and see what needs to happen to get me moving in a productive and some semblance of success. And that is what I am focusing on at the moment. Preparing for my shifts in my path. There are not many lights down that path, but I have faith it will be for the best.

Some tough lessons that I am slow to learn

I have been relying on other people to support me for years. No, not financially, I pride myself on being able to do that for the most part. But emotionally. For some reason, I came to believe the people in my life that I love and support would love and support me in the same fashion, with the same honesty. Boy, have I been wrong.
There is no reason to go into all the details, but in truth, no matter how close people are to me  in my life, the only person I can fully rely upon is myself. No one will have my back. No one else will honestly support me as I actually need. So, it is all up to me. And I am becoming okay with that. I admit that it is a painful lesson to learn. But I am learning it. I am tired of being hurt because I have not learned it.

So in this learning, I have realized that I just need to do what I need to do to be okay myself. To be healthy and happy.
I have been struggling with my weight for a long time. I keep failing. I keep relying on support that I just am not getting. I am done with that. It is harder without support, but it will be easier if I do not expect to get any. And that is where I am.
I have also learned that liars will always be liars. Period. I am done believing them or opening myself to them.

Spring is a time of growth and I am planning to take this information and grow from it and do the best that I can not to become bitter. Because if I am bitter then I have not learned my lesson. It is a lesson I need to learn.

Still feeling like life is spinning

I am working on a goal. To be healthy. This used to mean losing weight. Now, it means more mentally and emotionally, and spiritually.
If those are lacking, the weight will never come off.

I don't like that I dislike where I work so much. It gets progressively worse as time goes on. So, I need to figure out what I want to do and not let it get to me until I find something new.

So, here I stand at the starting line of so many things. There are so many things that I need and want to do to be whole and healthy. I am almost not sure where to start. I almost don't know how to start, or where. There are so many pieces to this puzzle. So many steps that I can see before me, and just as many places to begin. It is confusing.

My first step I think is to make a few easy goals that I can keep for the next week or so.
1. Make breakfast every day and eat it before work.
2. Take snacks and lunch to work every day.
3. Cook dinner 3 nights during the work week. More is better, but this is the minimum.
4. Take at least one 10 min walk during my work day. It will do me good to get away from my desk. I deserve to take my breaks.
5. Drink more water during the day.
6. Spend time reading during the day, not just before bed.

Those will be my goals for this next week. Maybe the following week. I will add more exercise as this becomes more comfortable and habit. It is a start.